I sleep till 1pm or later, it's pouring rain outside, the day has been happening in this wet action
loose change exploding from a pocket
the quickness outside
Pulling myself out of bed
a painful transfer from one world to another, but she comes with me, actually, they both do:
I was washing my favorite painted china as the rest were urging me to hurry up, the plane was leaving soon. We had days of travel ahead of us. I packed like a wild beast, there was no newspaper to wrap the delicate objects in, they all ended up together, messy and vulnerable.
Earlier I was fiending for her.
She could not tolorate human touch and hated the motion of kissing. All she was after was emotional intimacy. Too bad the only way I knew how to approach her was with a body...
I lured her into a tub with a wrap around curtain, she melted in like a mermaid back in water, sliding into the full bath with an invisible human body. Her flesh hard- like a plastic dolls, not so much breathing, with like,
pores.
She/He came because of the story and the poetry that was unraveling in the house dialogue. Everyone on that floor of the old rickety house with too many doors and too many kittens running around scratching, had something to say about this story. Once a roommate even showed me his cell phone with a picture of Manuela with her bright blond ponytail taken in the Swiss alps. He told me what she thought of the subject.
I said she looked beautiful up there. Glowing.
Also Gloria who moved to SF had ideas about it too. She was still dancing and had more information now, even in SF they all held her like a member of the home, her opinion counted.
They knew why I was there could feel the ache
the whoosh of housemates knew I was in love with him/her and knew that she/he wouldn't let me in. Just this conversation. This was where we could stay.
So I was shocked when they slinked into the tub,
I saw the barrier- that invisible confusing inanimate body- outside of androgyny and even humanness.
None of that even registered in that dream moment.
it was just the words between us
amazing feelings
to be so close
and their deep dark eyes and a head of thick hair,
listening
their skinny hands explaining a thing, like a skeleton finger dance.
achey
In the shower I was covered in flour and bits of dough were happening too with the water and steam and the love sickness grew and began to overflow, out of the old tub,
set in the center of the room
on the top floor of the old wood house
it poured out like rising dough, pushing though the windows like a slow pastry tragedy.
Expanding, unending.
In my waking life writing this I feel the word "asexual" was being experienced and understood,
unfortunate to my dream heart.
She/He wanted to wrap their words with mine, weave them in and out of the pages in my brain, see them layer and bend, create a new story,
love, true cognitive love.
My fleshy body baking project just reached for her/him, without knowing, without ability to stop. my nerves wanted to feel skin to skin, heat, a body alive.
Each time they recoiled and retreated. I was left with this mess of soggy paper, ink transferred to my naked body, pages stuck and peeled like vending machine tattoos.
So much more.
Crawlspaces that lead to the past and future that all the characters kept jumping in and out of. I tried to avoid the smaller spaces in the dream.
At one point they shot a music video , I was in the trailer behind, the doorway was lit up, the only source of light all around. I layed on the floor inside with my teal high heels in the air, they were like trees, architecture in the space, this pose seemed safest and the least obtrusive.
a fair amount of time in these dreams was spent trying to not get in the way,
cause damage, my bodies natural impulse's where so powerful,
I had to put myself into spaces to try....
sit in the corner
think about what you have done
I was washing the china and Jenny came up behind me, out of nowhere, I didn't turn to look at her, she just whispered in my ear. She loves me, she still loves me.
with wet hands and without turning I said still I loved her too. At that point in the dream I was not crying.
That's a first in these JH dreams.
Regardless I woke up carrying both of them inside me, like a kangaroo pouch attached to my heart.
I am up now, feeling super handicapped, I have too much weight in one place, my body is off kilter and the whole system has to overcompensate for this deformity. I am top heavy and being vertical feels like such a struggle. I just want to crawl back into my cave bed.
Ask Gloria and Manuela what they would do...
when everyone they love is impossibly absent, how to cut the chord, how to look-
and learn to see
and want a different kind of human.
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