I wrote this in October.

The pregnancy test. October 20th 2015

On Friday I can take the test. I’ve been waiting 2 weeks since the insemination's- eating well, trying to not allow the dicks on the bus and family issues stress me out- keeping my body and womb calm and ‘ready’ for a microscopic fetus to inhabit. Thrive with joy and radiating only goodness. My wife is in the mountains with our dog this week. The house is crazy quiet without them here, the neighbors next door just moved out as well, so it feels very empty on this corner. The sun sets pretty early now and staying up past 8:30pm is excruciatingly hard. I work from home so my days are amorphous, running across paper days like watercolors and sometimes like renegade india ink, a mess if I am not on top of it. But I never forget to take my meds. I’ve been on Lithium for almost 6 years, it makes me forget EVERYTHING. But somehow I always remember to take my meds. I drink gallons of water everyday out of giant mason jars- my body is like a white ice sculpture made of salt (lithium salt), no matter the amount of water I toss at the salt structure, it’s insatiable, I am constantly craving water. Physiologically, emotionally, craving. 

Needless to say, this fun hydrating fact has made the OPK testing difficult to say the least. Not to mention the Basal Thermometer recordings. I am up and down all night stumbling in the dark and over the dog to go pee, making it literally impossible to get an ‘accurate temperature’ recording. The deal is ridiculous, one must take a vaginal temperature first thing in the morning- without ANY movement, without even speaking, laying perfectly still in bed at the same time EVERY morning). Seriously. I’ll flop back down on my side of the bed at 5:54am coming back from my 6th time peeing throughout the night, my alarm goes off six minutes later at 6:00am to take my ‘Still Body Temperature’, geez. So this fertility tracking method is not the most helpful. 

I never considered the many ways to zero in on ones fertility… I never gave my fertility any thought with having 98% female partners, birth control was something my friends would talk about, like some college trip abroad to a county I new nothing about. I would listen, no idea what to think, no experience, blank. Hmmm, sounds interesting. 

Anyway, when it comes down to it the female reproductive system is a mysterious wonderland that cannot be snatched up and clearly analyzed. It is a moving target with emotional pieces changing it up, influencing, swaying, plus physical influences tipping and teetering the whole crazy combo of factors. Add in Lithium meds, sleeping in a room that's not pitch black, the moon, Welbutrin, depression, saunas, acupuncture cold swimming pools, caffeine, food, hours of sleep, stress, hydration, organic foods, white sugar, negative people and feelings, light cardio vs. jolting the body too much on the treadmill. Remembering to not take Alieve (recently allergic, hence the Giant Puffy Face reaction). What else have I been trying to remember, but not obsess over and get stressed out about? 

Let’s go back and re-cap the last at home insemination. The October try. We ordered the sperm 2x the day before we think I was going to ovulate and a day or two after we think I ovulated. It all feels truly confusing, like a crazy shot in the dark. We are trying, but when/ if that white stick says PREGNANT I will loose it (total shock). I don’t know if I’ll believe it- just the science of it all is overwhelming. A miricle. But, most things I do in life-

just keep at it

eventually I get somewhere, and later on down the road random people will ask me how I have found success with this or that, and I think, geez, I don’t know- I just kept doing it. 

But trying to get pregnant, to just keep doing it, well, it is a special process for us. 

Emails. Donor. Overnight Delivery. Fed Ex Live Specimen. PayPal. Time sensitive window. DIY injection. Praying to god those swimmers survived the ‘formula mixture’ and refrigerated trip across America. Praying they find the giant egg that hangs out for a mere 24 hours, before turning into a pumpkin… until next month. 

Next month the dates are ready and circled. Tiny window, do all the things.