dreamself and hermusic

Before I went to bed last night, my roommates phone, keys and puffer had all been lost or stolen throughout her evening, poof gone, not drunk at a club poof but, monday night sober poof. She was being hilarious about the whole fiasco and I was cracking up just before I got ready to hit the reading light and jump into my fantastically cozy princess bed.

I don't often have laughing juice running through my body before being horizontal for the next 5 to 8 hours, so I was imagining this was a good sign, an endorphin spell perhaps to ward off the nightmares that have a strangle hold on my subconscious as of late.

Every morning I have been waking into the human world, the sturdy bed frame, the shut blinds, the pile of clothes with stale glitter and hairspray clung to their insides, solid wood floor, crisp white ceiling with a cake trim crown molding, real world.... waking out of the epic, tragic nightmares. Tears all over my face, heart racing and covers woven around in a macrame sculpture cocooning my shaking body.

I asked the world out loud if I could not dream of her.

The past 2 nights it was unbearable, I awoke feeling ripped to shreds, a paper-shredded doll of a person.

The laughing juice did not help. I woke up this morning after seasons of dream time tragedies in one human night equivalent.

 I was in a class room and were presenting our work in the front of the class. The teacher said only come up if you had it completed.  I kept looking at the back of the CD and trying to figure out which track number matched up with which title, they where holographic and the alignment of the two changed are you moved it. there where colorful drawings done in maker and the font was all hand done too, animals and zig zag shapes, really beautiful.
 As I watched the holograms and tried to read it I saw her name
written: "all lyrics by XX".
 Just seeing her name spelled out had a tremendous affect on me.
XX
 no way to describe the feeling... like a digging in the chest- a low thuddy beating, a sledge hammer against  enclosed parking lot pavement, echo-ey, cold, a terrible vibration.
Had I ever left one with this feeling before??? I am so so so sorry...It is dry heaving, it is your face on the porcelain seat, tears stacked up like a shelf inside the eyes.

The cellophane wrapper was tricky with my dream hands, I struggled for a long time to open it, then the plastic case and popping out the actual CD, everything was laborious as my heart thumped, my hands shook and the tears became apart of my presentation outfit.

I picked a title that sounded familiar and sad, as I read it I tried to imagine what the lyrics might say, what it could sound like, what I would do for my presentation. I stood up and said I had never even heard my song, that I was going to improv and walked over to the boom box. 

I had trouble finding the correct buttons to make it work, my dream hands touched all the knobs, it played like a tape. I cranked the volume up to max and began my dance.

Rather than staying in the front of the classroom I instantly flung myself between a row of desks where everyone sat stunned. I had on a wet leotard and wet hair, bare feet. I was crying and crawled across the desks, fell off backwards and slithered between the desk and chair legs on the dirty linoleum floor. The music was erratic and I spazzed out, my hair all wild like vines wrapped around my face, no one could see the tears, it was all just one big cathartic mess, the teacher watched silently from the front of the room.

 I was all alone in it.

None of the students had faces, just a little gasp mouthes here and there.

Later in the dream I showed up at a club house in San Francisco-Olympia and had my bike. All the girl club members were super rude and said I couldn't lock my bike here or there. I was extremely nice to them as I kept moving along to different spaces in the wear house and ended up stashing my bike in this little hallway. The dudes were super rude to me as well, I was like a second class citizen because I was not a member. The rest of the dream goes down hill in a way that I'd rather not even think about it. I'd like to just delete it from my memory. The parts above are sadly the light hearted moments.