rewind*repeat

repetition makes me feel safe.
put it on a loop
knit me into the length of it
keep it going
I feel myself growing older
my face is new everyday
I have no idea what I look like
keep doing it
one day it will feel real
one day this life will be un-hooked from the whirling machines
and just
run on momentum
stop peddling as it coasts downhill
air
and fast tears
 skin and hair
a person on a loop
a strangers face on a body
a body with a whirling heart machine
spinning
no matter what it keeps going
the fast tears and same song keep coming
the loop is always
the loop is for realz

river and raft

Every night I crawl in like its a secret page turning

Every day I dream of being under the covers. It's warm quiet pink soft empty of need- it asks nothing of me but to remain horizontal, it is very dark, non verbal.

How did this manic life end up in this slow thick dream river?

It's collecting debris alongside the tree roots and I am spotting lost rings, favorite pens, used silverware, battered linens woven in the mossy roots, crusted to the massive trunk.

Navigating this part of the river life is like trying to stay on top of a beach ball pushed underwater.

I am being tossed off as it pops up and flies away. I swim against the wind to get at it again. 

All my muscles are burning and my fishnets are collecting pebbles and doll furniture in the saggy feet.

I am trying to catch my breath in putty water land. Mist clings to my eyelashes and fly away hairs, each drop is grey with an ice cube world waiting

my limbs hang like poured cement into a girl shaped body cast. Each wrist, each ankle have baby floaties squeezed onto them. They are electric orange and the white flesh bulges out like raw dough.

But this will prevent the body from dying. This side affect is very normal. 

This is how it feels now. The body bread rising. Injected with blood thickeners like cornstarch water blood pushing against the skin, sculpted by the ripples, dented by the domestic debris.

This is the shape you have to exist in, a hundred barn animal sounds ring out as the arrow swirls around, the popcorn vacuum has condensed and moves like a space helmet down the river.

Every morning I wake up, out of the pages folded softly over my shipwrecked body, step out of my bed and into this cluttered river.

choking in the water, band-aides flapping open like  mini flags, audible breathing and treading water.

An all day episode of trying.

Every night  I escape to the mirage. Soft, dark, quiet, non verbal, a page slowly turning me in.

The Pastor said we struggle

Lets forget Easter ever happened
never call her again

ache

sleep in so late you miss therapy, the gym, lunch, working, morning heartache.
Lets pretend your okay with the silence
she leaves on her bike

clunks to the sidewalk
panties showing
lace dress and choking-this is pastel painful

her bike and your bike are not locked together


she never calls again

months


night after night

In yoga class all the tears fall upside down
run over your forehead and into your ears
your scalp is salty
Lets forget the feeling of tears working their way down your
upside down face
crawling rivers
exhale

Silence,
but inside it is terrible: the insulation is exposed
it's pink like cotton candy and sharp
the floor is just cold cement with a small spider moving in the corner
it has all capsized- it is really terrible in here.


Okay: crawl under the couch
in the dark shadow slit
and sleep

dream of anything but her

little egg

tears & stuffed

L word annoying
facebook kill me
taxi cab stop talking smells and slower than the bus
nails are long and shiny still,
leftover pineapple
Vitamin water

ALL I want is my pink bed to swallow me, digest me
I turn into tiny pink pillow hearts
collected
put in vending machines
picked up by claws
hugged by children
given to lovers in february

cried into

all my cotton is soaked with sea salt tears
washed up on the shore
a dog toy
pink fades to brownpeach
I am swallowed by the ocean
I am a sea sponge

Tiny sea bugs live inside me
from inside they see everything, the bubbles, deep sea parties and the fish drama
they fight and cry and swim away angrily
they go home to their cold coal reef and float about all night wondering

when you cry underwater the rays and crabs don't notice
you can cry so much
the plankton hear you
they float by and listen

It hurts like a handstand in the waves, crashing into your upside down body
all the wind knocked out of you
salty body sideways, water in your nose and stinging eyes
you lie there, foam crackling along the human shape
you sink into the sand
you are digested by zillions of sandcrabs
pink acrylic nails surface along the hard sand eventually.

Ten shiny pebbles shaped like fingernails, with faded glitter
The pink is very bright,
the salt preserves the pink.

zillions of tears crash horizontal

girls come here and cry all the time

sometimes they take little pink pebbles into their hands, squeeze them and wish for help
zillions of wishes happen like this

their necks are wet with pink tears
their pebble inside the tight hand is throbbing

(cat calls and running dogs and screaming children all happen outside the human shape)

she imagines a claw lifting her out of the sandbox machine
dropping her into a chute
into the paws of a white stuffed kitten with a pink bow and blue eyes.
Forever she falls asleep to dry cotton spooning and cartoon purring.